October 20, 2012
Will Trinkle Remarks
Bernard D. Mayes Award
2012 Award Winner – October 20, 2012
This is truly an honor, and I’m humbled by it. Thank you Serpentine Society and thank you dear old UVA – yes, where all is bright and gay! I couldn’t be more proud of my alma mater than I am right now
My family has a long history at UVA:
My grandfather, E. Lee Trinkle, the former Governor of VA, graduated from the law school in 1898.
My father, Jimmy Trinkle, graduated from the law school in 1953, was president of the Alumni Association and was appointed to the Board of Visitors, first by Governor Robb, then by Governor Wilder, serving eight years.
My younger brother Dave also graduated from Virginia.
I graduated from the College in 1980, with a BA in Communication Studies; was an officer in my fraternity, St. Elmo Hall; and I was a Big Brother volunteer at Big Brothers/Big Sisters for each of my four years.
Funny how life changes, and who’d a thunk, but here I am, an out gay man, of a certain age, with a wonderful partner Juan and a 2 ½ year old son Oliver – or, what I like to call…”a family”. And being honored for doing what we all do every day – standing up, being out, living our lives, making no apologies…and taking no less than equal. So, this is our “New Normal”. And one made possible by all who came before. Bernard Mayes, I am particularly honored to have this award with your name on it. Your story inspires me and I will always cherish this.
Tonight’s gala is called “The Courage to Fight – The Power to Inspire”. These are powerful and appropriate words for all of us here and for the entire LGBT community. We each, by being out and being who we are, have courage, and truly inspire those around us and those to come. For Juan and me, the courage to fight this fight came from a basic instinct that this was so wrong – to harm a two year old child as a channel for hate – and was, though very difficult, also very easy; sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t; we could and we did.
As for the second part – “the power to inspire” , that’s the icing on the cake of knowing you are doing the right thing and following your internal compass, no matter what anyone else tells you.
As much as I loved Virginia, I got in my car, the day after graduation and moved to NY; I had a comfortable life in VA, or so it would seem, but I knew I had to get away, to get out (probably not unlike many of you here tonight). At 22 years old, with a southern accent and a dog named Bazle, what wasn’t to like about NYC in 1980. It was liberating, exciting, anything was possible. I was enjoying openness and acceptance, and making life-long friends – a life I’d only hoped and imagined was possible. Then, as quick as it all was happening, a few years later, it all changed overnight with the advent of the HIV/AIDS pandemic. Instead of fun dinners and more fun clubs, my friends and I were arranging schedules and flow charts to cover care for our sick friends at home and in hospitals. The well friends had to rally to care for our sick friends; we had to make sure everyone had someone to feed them, to clean them, comfort them, demand medicine and care, then usually administer it ourselves. Boy, we could have used Excel back then! But it got done, we took care of ourselves, we became family, and often, sadly, filled in for the families who chose not to be there; it was not an unusual situation in the 1980s that families first found out their sons were gay when they found out they were sick. 7 of my 10 best friends all died within 8 months of each other. For those of us left, we spent the years working for change; raising money and voices. I started a group with friends called New York Forward Action, to fund start ups we felt important. I volunteered for God’s Love We Deliver, feeding those homebound by AIDS and served on GLAAD’s national board, among others. For me, many years ago, I saw politics and the political system as a place I could make a difference; an important part of our movement, in that winning legal protections were key. Our community needed to change hearts, minds and laws. I got involved with the Empire State Pride Agenda, eventually joining and co-chairing the Foundation board, to educate and advocate on LGBT issues in New York and chairing the political board, to effect change there politically. We won marriage in NY, but it was a long road; the longest part, it seemed at the time, was making the case and winning the argument within our own community that Marriage – not Civil Unions – was the fight we had to fight. It was an awe inspiring experience – from years of work with amazing people – to finally walking down Fifth Avenue in June of last year celebrating winning marriage equality in NY, with Gov Cuomo, Mayor Bloomberg, Speaker Christine Quinn and our then 1 year old son. We must win equality everywhere in our lives if we are going to survive, and thrive. Being second class citizens held us back when we got sick, we can’t let that happen again – all our families count.
I have also served as an out gay man on many non-LGBTQ non-profit boards as well. I was the first out gay man appointed to a state commission in Virginia – by then Governor, now Senator Mark Warner – on the Virginia Commission for the Arts; I’m also in my 12th years as a trustee at Hollins University, where ten years ago we proudly and unanimously self-funded same sex partner benefits, because VA law would not let us add these to our policy, and where we are about to adopt an updated and very progressive trans policy.
SOOOO, ON TO WHY I’M HERE TONIGHT.
WHAT A SUMMER WE HAD…OR DIDN’T, DEPENDING HOW YOU LOOK AT IT!
However you cut it, it was intense. And when it was getting really difficult for my family, when we didn’t feel safe and the police were staked out at our house protecting us 24/7, I did something I rarely do…I checked my facebook page. And there was a message from Sean Kennedy, informing me that you all at the Serpentine Society – UVA, my alma mater – were honoring me for taking this stand (and a few others in my life). I read it to Juan and we both just cried. It is truly a moment we will never forget and one of such huge support at a time that was dark for us; it came when we really needed it.
We took on a big bully this summer – Roanoke’s largest employer. Most of you know the story, but to fill those in who don’t, Carilion Clinic is SW VA’s largest healthcare system. They own and operate an athletic club, the RAC – sounds totally gay, right? – which also happens to have a nice outdoor pool and swimming lessons for kids. They sold us a family membership, took the initiation fee and the first month’s membership fees, then two weeks later, called and revoked our membership, citing a nonexistent Virginia law on the definition of a family. It’s the same hospital system where my brother works, and whose CEO – the first woman to ever hold this position – knows both me and my family. I reached out to her, and she replied, again quoting this bogus state law as justification for their actions, then having her V.P. call me to tell me that they would not change their stance and that not only was my family not welcome, but they were going to “tighten up policies so no people like you, will get as far as you did”. To say I was stunned, is an understatement. We belong to some nice clubs, all of which genuinely welcome our family; this was just a pool and a gym. We then sued them for breach of contract and violating the Virginia Consumer Protection Act. Juan and I both felt we had to take action; if they treat us this way at their gym, how will they treat us in their Emergency Rooms? Scary stuff.
As we made the lead story on all four networks (well, four if you count Fox) that night, Juan and I prepared to leave for Richmond the next morning with Oliver, to attend a First Families of Virginia reunion, at the Executive Mansion. To say being welcomed and celebrated as a family, by the highest office holder in the Commonwealth that night was a surreal moment is an understatement. As were the next few days and weeks: The Derecho, tornados, massive power outages and 104 degree weather notwithstanding, we got our family out of the state fairly quickly.
Our dear friend David Mixner wisely exposed the truth, when he wrote in his blog about kicking a two-year old out of a pool because of who his parents are. As things heated up in the media about our story – 99% supportive, 1% scary – a man we didn’t know, who is originally from Roanoke, named Mark Lyn Ferguson, saw an injustice and took action against it, starting a change.org petition. It was one of the fastest growing in their history: in one day it jumped from 40,000 signers to 100,000; it hit 200,000 on July 11th. And with every signature, an email went to the CEO of Carilion. While we were in Maine trying to have a family vacation, our story went viral. Our pictures were on the opening page on Yahoo, we were the subject of facebook and website dialogues. Then on July 5th, we were doing interviews with ABC, the AP, NPR, and were preparing to go live the next day on GMA and CNN. We were an hour away from Skyping live on Dianne Sawyer, when Carilion and the RAC caved under the pressure and posted a policy change to their facebook page. We won a huge victory, for ourselves and for many families – now and to come. Sadly, Carilion Clinic and the RAC chose to go down fighting, and rather than just say “All families are welcome”, they instead did away with all family memberships and created something called Household memberships. As a result, we haven’t dropped our suit. We’d hoped to have a positive resolution by tonight, but we don’t yet. Our goal – and it is within reach – is to persuade Carilion Clinic to be a better corporate and community citizen, with best practices in place for LGBT employees and clients, and for all types of diversity. We’ve kept the pressure on, and will continue to…so stay tuned.
When I get frustrated that we sometimes have to fight so hard, that equal isn’t automatic, I remember where we’ve come and how much better life is for so many, including my family. When I was at Virginia, one of your board members, Bob Elkins, was in the news. He was an RA in Hancock, and it came out in the press that he was gay – it was called the press back then, not the media. He didn’t shy away from it, but instead owned it and stood tall. I can’t imagine what that stress was in those days for him, but not only did he stand up to the negative press and the calls for him to resign, a magical thing happened… students on his hall stepped up to his defense as a good advisor and a good man. I wasn’t out, but Bob, please know you inspired me; you made a positive difference on my life, by being who you are and standing up, because you were given the situation, and you did. It gives me great pride that 30 some odd years later I get to say thank you here in person.
Bottom line: when something like this happens: IF YOU CAN STAND UP, DO. IF YOU CAN SPEAK OUT, DO.
Thank you to The Serpentine Society, Bernard Mayes, The Alumni Association and all of you, for making The University – and this world – a better place; for standing up and speaking out; for the courage to fight and the power to inspire.
[Thank you for supporting my family, and again, thank you so much for this honor!]
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